Friday nights seem to be subject to quite a lot of scrutiny among us younger folks. We all have a vision of what a Friday night ought to be. Free of whatever commitments we have subjected ourselves to over the week, we all try our best to make the Friday night something impressive. “I’ve got a date,” or ”I’m going to a party,” are two crowd favorites. The less popular, “im goin on some ttly l33t raids with my guild 2nite” is equally popular among certain circles. But, from any of these we can gather one simple fact. Friday nights are just as much an accessory for showing off as everything else in the shallow and competitive world of a teenager.
Because of this fact, to be sitting alone on a Friday night is something we don’t like to talk about much. It’s not normal. It’s not right. It is laughable, unfortunate, sad even. No teenager in the world has ever honestly said, “I think I want to just sit home tonight and do nothing.” So when you see a young man sitting on his computer alone on that most sacred of nights, you can’t help but wonder. What could have happened? Was he unable to find something to do? Were his parents in a bad way that night and he is being punished? Perhaps he’s suffering from some rare disease, or he’s coping with a loss. It’s obvious there’s something wrong or he wouldn’t be sitting there. Then the heavy hearted passer by turns their head away from the poor soul and makes their way to whatever they were planning on doing. Obviously, the boy is beyond help.
So as I sit here typing this sober observation on what many of you have probably noticed by now is a Friday night, I’m sure you’re wondering, “Who is this person and why is he here?” A practical question. No one likes to hear a story from a stranger. I’m a person you’ve probably seen many times before. I’m a story you’ve probably heard too many times. I’m that oh too cliche thing that you all just love to read about so much. I’m a sixteen year old boy. I’m Kerk. Nice to meet you.
Of course Kerk isn’t my real name, but I doubt “Iluvkittens69″ isn’t your real name either. We all have a certain agenda, certain goals to accomplish. We certainly can’t have our REAL selves getting into the way of that. It would certainly be unfortunate if this cyber me got in the way of real me. On the off chance I ever end up a famous blogger anyway.
I sit here at this computer for one simple reason. I’m pretty damn confused about where I’m going. I’m wondering about my significance, my goals, my purpose, all the normal things a teenager ought to be worried about. See, my birthday was yesterday. I always saw birthdays to be something that ought to be big and fussy and memorable. A day that SHOULD be all about you and no one else. That’s my ideal. That’s what makes sense. Which is why it will considerably confusing when I tell you I told my friends and my parents that I didn’t want a party and never gave anyone a straight answer when they asked me for what I wanted as a present.
It’s funny though. When I saw on my birthday that not a single person had made a big deal of it, I was a little surprised and hurt. I think I was expecting the sit com scenario. The character keeps insisting that they don’t want a party, they don’t want a big fuss, then the other characters do something anyway and the first character ends up loving it anyways. Then the day ends with a life lesson, a big belly laugh and a touching moment. Something I seemed to ignore though is that my life is not a sit com. So, when I said I didn’t want a fuss people DIDN’T automatically assume I’m lying and actually took my word for it. Good lesson for me I suppose, but not exactly a touching moment.
Only issue though is that I seem to do this quite often. I have come to realize that I don’t really like to ask for things, but I still like to get things. When I was young, my older brother was never afraid to ask for anything. He would beg for everything he saw and my mother, being a complete push over, would give it to him. According to my mother I was quite an insightful little boy. I saw my brother’s extravagance in perspective and saw the number it did on my family’s economic situation. We never had a lot of money. So when my brother got anything and everything he saw, I’d get substantially less, just because I didn’t ask. I’m not saying anything bad about my parents. They never forgot me. But in this history of evening the scale, the saying “Ask and you shall receive” seems to have become vulgar in my eyes.
So now, you’re asking, “Kerk, what does this have to do with you sitting home on a Friday night?” Ha! You thought I got side tracked. There’s other things you have to be brave enough to ask for besides toys and birthday parties. I bet you can guess. Come on, think hard. That’s right. And as a matter of fact, I did ask her! I figured that after a birthday only celebrated by a twenty dollar bill and a hundred facebook wall posts, I ought to do something for myself. I asked her alright. It made me feel nauseous and I was in a cold sweat but I did it. Not because I was afraid of her saying no. I was afraid of her being completely disgusted by my asking (because asking for anything IS evil after all…)
But I realized after I asked that I was a year too late. When I met Legs we were freshmen. She was hung up on her last ex boyfriend and I helped her through it. I found myself somehow attracted to the incredible amount of anger that she had at her disposal and it’s been down hill ever since. Here’s the fatal mistake. Get ready because this may actually feel like a punch in the stomach. A few months ago she told me she was hung up on another boy. That’s fine. It can be worked around easy enough. But I didn’t work around it. I did the opposite. Not only did I encourage her going after this guy, I told her that I would talk to him for her. In fact I DID. He happened to be one of my good friends. They ended up together until about a month ago after she realized he as in it for ALL the wrong reasons and now her warehouses of anger are directed at him. In the mean time, while all her focus is on him, I can’t get a word in edgewise.
It’s upsetting. It’s INFURIATING even. I totally missed my opportunity. Just because something in me told me that taking opportunities when they’re offered is evil. Yes. I asked her to a movie last night. She said maybe. I wait until about five in the afternoon for her to respond and she says she’s too busy working on her summer project for one of her fantastically advanced classes she’s taking next year.
So now it’s too late to make plans and I’m sitting here alone on a Friday night. Happy birthday, Kerk. I got a domino set for my birthday once when I was little. One of the few things I ever got because I asked for them. It’s funny how things can work like that sometimes. Because I was always afraid to ask for things, I didn’t have a good birthday. Because I didn’t have a good birthday, I was prompted to ask Legs out. Because I’m afraid to ask for things, I encouraged Legs to date one of my best friends half a year ago. Because Legs dated one of my best friends half a year ago, she’s too hung up on him to consider me now. Because she’s too hung up to consider me now, I’m sitting here at my computer alone on the holy of holies, Friday night and there’s not a single thing I can ask anyone that will change that.
